just finished my knots and seizing. i hope i got it right this time. anyways have been thinking and pondering about many things these weeks. especially during my time in SI. the free time alone seriously just triggers thoughts. reflections.
that being said. i guess its only normal for me to say that it was only me and my homesickness, me and my resistance to change in the begining that made me so sick, so upset about being inside SI. alone. away from my BMT buddies. but i guess as time went by, new bonds being formed, things doesnt seem that bad anymore. it was almost exactly the same for BMT. not being used to it initially. then slowly getting used to it. and even starting to 'love' the life.
i pondered over the topic of friendship. how was my way of managing friendships? was it a reasonable one? was i taking things for granted? am i being too much, in terms of how i view each and every relationship with everyone? i guess for one, in terms of viewing every friendship, i treat it with care, concern and respect. i may not be those who want to meet up often, or those who decide that the only way to keep in touch and remain close friends is to meet up or go out together often. rather, its more a case of 'touching my heart'. i guess it has always been like this all along, but i guess one of the many takeaways i'll have from SI, and of course, KangSeng, will be really, to 'touch your heart' in everything you do. for me, i've always been sincere in everything i do, and of course, doing everything with the due effort required. but i guess the phrase 'touch your heart' just re-emphasizes and makes it more cheem and strong. and so, really, it doesnt matter if friends meet up everyday, every monthly, or even every yearly. it all boils down to, is that person still in your heart after a long period of not meeting, not calling, not sms-ing? its about a test of time, whether the other person still remains in your heart, in your mind after a long time.
many times, this perception and view has cost me abit. people may get angry with me, for not turning up at gatherings, appearing aloof and nonchalent about meeting up after a long time. accusing me of not treasuring time togehter. not wanting to make the effort to keep friendships going. but for me, frankly, even the physical presence at gatherings and meetups doesnt matter if your heart isnt there. you may be present at a place, but if you dont feel like being there and are just being 'forced' to attend the gathering, there really is no point.
during this 6 months in NS, i really. really am busy. perhaps its my time management that's bad. perhaps its me not being able to properly balance and manage my free time. but my weekends, if any of you realise, are always fully booked. for my family. i dont think i'm the only one like this. i believe many people are. especially when guys like me really go through the pain of being separated from their families, from the people whom we love (although we may or may not show it).
but i guess this is but the begining, time is going to get even more packed in future. even after NS, there's going to be academics and university, and then career. how much time will we have then?
whatever it is, i'm happy for those who are willing to go through thick and thin with me, those who understand how i feel, those who perhaps share the same mindset as me. ultimately, its not the quantity of friends you have, but the quality of each and every friendship. as Estelle once termed me, the 'social butterfly' has spotted potentially new long-lasting and truthful friendships, will they last? will he again be hurt? only time will tell.
